Hugs, tears and envy

What a week so far. Bike has been loaded and tested and is now boxed.

Thor - my stead for the adventure ahead

Panniers are needing another repack and a level of ruthlessness on weight that I am procrastinating over by writing this. Reading, Scotland, London, Reading has been the travels since Monday.

Yesterday saw me say goodbye, farewell, au revior to a client with which I have such an affinity. I will sorely miss those that I have come to regard as friends. It is a mad, ambiguous, challenging place that operates at the speed of many antelopes. I love it and my decision has significantly impacted on a number of people. That is not me trumpeting my own sense of self importance but I know from the feedback, hugs and tears that I will be missed or maybe they were tears of relief that now he has gone calmness can be restored. Whatever legacy I have left I feel proud to have worked with awesome people who believe in better (ooh is that a bit cheesy?)

Today I said goodbye to another client and group of friends. In terms of tears there were definitely more but not being competitive that isn't what mattered! I have been with this client for 2 years and I have made some very good friends who will stay with me for life. Many are delighted that I am off as it will enable them to concentrate on what they need to do versus acting as props for me ;-) I have had some awesome feedback over the last 2 days from individuals who I care about and they care about me and Izzy one heck of a lot.

Others have been envious, excited, jealous or just plain happy x a gazillion for both me, Izzy and us. No pressure then!

I want to give my thanks to a number of people in this blog and they are not in an order other than that which tumbles from my mind. Simon - listening, challenging, being there. Nic - listening, listening to the other stuff, helping me understand the present and that it will be great and being there. Stalker - undeniably the person who is more selfless than last years winner of the Most Selfless Person World Championships, my friend, Izzy's friend and confidant. CK - has done more in sharing to both of us than she can ever possibly realise, I will be thinking of you and am only an email away and will now know which lordy/bling direction to go in! Jon - you have manned the helm, steered the ship, rowed the boat and stormed the trenches, all whilst caring, it has been an immense pleasure working with you. SP - there has always been something that connected us right from March 2008, friendships like ours don't grow on trees, i will preserve what we have. Jasmine, for hearing the happiness in your voice.
Lani, Clayton, Clive, Susie, Linda, Joolz, Jenny, Annie & Nick, Janet, Conrad, Ali C, Steve for the genuine excitement and support you have given me and/or Izzy over the last 2 months and beyond. Oh and Lorraine in Boots yesterday who became my personal shopper for 30 mins which was just so cool and very kind.

Tonight is a get things sorted night and progressing well. Tomorrow I spend the day with my munchkins. It is our day and will be as they want it to be. It will be a tough farewell tomorrow night but it will be as it is and needs to be.

I know hotel is booked, itinerary is scoped for the next 6 days and route has been sketched. The next chapter in my life is about to begin.

It is all about to change

I should absolutely and categorically not be doing this right now but I need to sit and the keyboard spoke. I have spent today getting more frazzled, excited and feeling alot better than I have for the rest of the week. I am not sure if Beechams or adrenaline is the cause.

I have now unboxed or unpacked so much today and then decided to weigh the bag of refuse. One trip and 3 kg's of refuse. Appalling and no I don't need a carrier thank you. Umm, well I have packed twice now and know that I need to do the same again tomorrow morning. Another t-shirt, pair of shorts and just in case 3rd spare mossie repellent will all have to be cast aside to ensure that my excess is not double my air fare. At the end of the day however I am not overly fussed, it is not about the cost or investment. It is about an experience of a life time.

I have blinded myself by looking into the lens of my new e-petzels, I have changed into so many different outfits that make me look like an extra from a safari movie, I have worn sandals on a day when it should have been Uggs, I have danced round the room to Bruno Mars, I have driven to 5 different delivery depots in the southwest, I have wandered sadly round the nearest town to me seeing the real effect of the recession (4 of the shops I knew were there 3 months ago and I needed today, have gone). I have sworn repeatedly at a pair of shorts that have a busted popper, I have held my kryponite D bar and worked out for the same weight I could have so many other things I really want to take. I have eaten an Indian takeaway, my first in 5 months. I have filled the bird feeders and watched a noisy family of 14 long tailed tits demolish their dinner.

I have spoken twice to Izzy today, the first was a little bit of a download. 7 days to go and needs her resilience bolstered again. Expressing opinions comes under the right of free speech, I hope the Chinese are ready. The second call was a memory test, we went right back to the Spring of 2009 and meeting for the first time. Was there something there right then, we think so but neither of us recognised what it is or may have come to be. I know that breakfast on cornflakes, milk, banana and coffee is something that tomorrow holds and is being looked forward  to. We have spoken about how we would like it to be. We have discussed much about how it needs to be and whether or not I will look out to the arrival hall and see her there or be pounced on in a sneaky way just to scare the pants off me.

I know, for me, the judging has begun already. Yes I am a father and will still be. Yes I will miss my children as they will absolutely miss me. Yes I am going to go on this trip and be in contact as often as is practicable with them. Yes I have given up the offer of an incredibly well paid job for a company that I love working for. And they have offered it to another. Yes I will come back in the new year and have to start hunting for a job again. Yes I can say for once in my life, I have no idea what the future will hold. This is about living in the present. I am letting people down, I know I have disappointed others, I also know that others have said how pleased they are for me, not just that they have worked with me, but they see me as a true friend beyond the norms of the consulting world in which I inhabit. Many of my relationships within the various clients I work for have got stronger and will continue to be so. That is my wish and I know for many it is theirs too.

We spend, as I have over the last 20 years, a vastly disproportionate amount of time working to achieve what society says that we should. There will be many who disagree but think about the last time you took a holiday. Did you work right up to the wire, did you write a list that you had absolutely no chance of completing before the end of the day. Did you fret that night about things that your mind was telling you, you should have done? Even worse did you start to think about work 2 or 3 days before your return. Or did you do your normal day and head off knowing that all would be well and the world of work would not stop just because you had taken the decision to have some sun.

This decision for me is enormous, far reaching and life changing. It is however one of hundreds of decisions each and every one of us makes every day. This one just seems out of scale because of what many think should happen. I spent the last 6 weeks preparing for something that might never have happened. But I wanted and needed to do something positive. I also found that I so needed to have others around me who were there for me, that was so unfamiliar and still is. Waiting was never an option. Sitting back and letting events unfold was tough but so worthwhile. I have not pushed for what is to be. I have just been me. That I can be me and will continue to be so but as part of a team is what makes the next few months so exciting. To be thought of and cared for and reciprocate this without ever thinking that I am owed or need a return. To be able to say what it is that is in your head without fear of rebuke or sarcastic challenge. To be able to plan jointly and know where it is you intend to be and what happens if the intended destination is not reached. To be able to get up early, pack and be on the road so that the midday sun is more bearable and the journeys end nearer to lunch than dinner. To be able to wander around the room as you were meant to be and get a hug when you want one or just because you can. These are the simple things that we take for granted. These are the important things that we never should.

What do I now know about Cambodia

What a week and it is only Thursday...I whooped a lot on Sunday but will get to that in a bit, first off quotes of the week so far 'touched the nut to her lip' (puerile but in the moment sniggerable), 'staff are going to be abstracted', 'intrusive process', 'cross-cutting' and finally 'obviously' said 28 times during one mind numbing, patronising and soul sucking, hand in pocket, over run presentation. All of these statements and words were made during a disappointing recruitment event on Tuesday. Oh I had such high hopes that there might be life out there as the candidates trooped in during the morning, oh I was so let down. Hey ho, when you live in the present you notice these things, such a loss for them and much amusement for me!

I think I have also found my car. What I mean by that is that I have had the immense rental pleasure of driving a XC60, the baby 4x4 from Volvo. In a word awesome drive, toys (the boot had auto closure!), twin pipes and sound. An auto with more kick down than I have ever experienced and an absolute joy on both the motorways of Scotland and a little blast on some c roads. You never know I could be very tempted when I return.

I caught up with a very dear friend today, whose world I have adjusted somewhat whilst she has been sunning herself in Spanish climes. She reflected on our conversation this morning and is so pleased, nay delighted, that I have finally got out of the way of myself and just let things be and happen. I am too. I will miss her wise counsel, but no doubt still receive it in some electronic form.

I sat at the new Yo Sushi at Edinburgh airport tonight (a welcome respite for another delayed flight home), observing the chefs worrying, cooking and making a general hash of the little dishes of hot food and thought how fitting it was that I should be having this type of meal. Yes I know it is a fusion of eastern food, but it might prepare me for what is to come. After speaking to Thai airways today and being told that crying might bring down the excess charges at Heathrow (!) but to make sure they were heartfelt sobs, I sat back and reflected on a week that has changed my life.

I was saddened by the news that the neighbour I grew up to 'fear' if the ball went over her fence and she was at home, passed away peacefully yesterday. I remember dancing with her at my brothers wedding when she was in her 80's and her saying that I should be careful how close I got then hooting with laughter. Sherry was her tipple and she liked to have a tipple or two on special occasions. Bowls was her sport and local neighbourhood watch detective was her pleasure. Her husband took me to swimming lessons in his escort mark 2 as with 3 boys mum could not take us all to our different clubs in the evenings. I used to hide in the lockers until the lesson was over because I enjoyed swimming so much. I remember she knitted me the best snooker cardigan that money would never ever buy. It is probably still safely stored somewhere to bring out at the most appropriate embarrassing time. I hope that where she is now she is happy, looking down on us and wishing us well on the lottery. Without fail one of her tickets for us at Christmas would always win.

So this week a decision was made and my life and that of others is going to change. What I am about to do will be judged as lunacy by many, madness by others and the script of a Hollywood movie by a few.
On Saturday 30th October I leave the UK for Cambodia and I will be meeting up with my angel and together over the next 3 months we will be having a little bit of an adventure. Whoop x a gazillion!

Been doing some thinking

Had a good sleep last night and when I woke I knew that Treyc needed to be ridden. She is one tough old girl and a sweaty wreck that was me emerged much to Emily's horror 45 minutes later. What I must have looked like to her I don't quite know but enough for her to say morning Dad, you are going for a shower aren't you!

I have been reflecting on the choices post I made earlier this week and I know I know I did the right thing. To allay fears for some and provide options for others is a good thing. Choices are not about this or that, yes or no, that is a dilemma. They should be about this, that or the other, even if the other is do nothing it is still a choice to make. I have been told that by doing what I did last a week ago Monday, I helped an individual rest easier safe in the knowledge that things could and should be different. A week ago on Wednesday, I both surprised and delighted another individual by telling them what I had been doing because it gave them choices and supported a decision, and thinking, that had been going on for the previous 2 weeks (maybe a little bit longer me thinks).

Today I am feeling a little peculiar. I have eaten but not a lot, my gut is telling me that I know I know the answer. My head and my heart are not quite in sync right now and I am holding on to the belief that the conviction that has been shared will continue to be but in a different way. Hey ho such is life. Views of others will, or have been, sought, counsel will be provided until such time that decisions are communicated. I had 24-48 hrs on Wednesday of last week, that has now gone by so I know I now have til Tuesday this week, then it is up to me.

Just been to pick up 'Thor' again. Have some work still to do, with front rack and computer but bike and box now ready

Thor and transport box...umm last time took 3 hours between 2!



Thor

 This will be a different week for me. I may not be posting anything til next weekend, it depends on how things go. I hope you all have happy weeks, smile when things don't quite go the way they should or you don't quite get what you had hoped for. Believe in being happy and it shall be. Live in the present. I have not been and need to get back to doing so.

We did have a giggle

I have spent the day with my Emily and it has just been the two of us. I am now enjoying the delights of iCarly and bizarrely the Jonas brothers! We have giggled tonight repeatedly whilst 4 hours of insane reality tv has played out before us but the quote of the evening was as follows ' he would be better if he went home, got undressed, went to bed, put the light out and did not get up or sing again' my daughters review of Wagner on X factor!

We spent the morning doing 'stuff' which always takes a little longer than you think, then the doorbell went and Netbook arrived, this is was one of the things discussed on Thursday night, also new ipod as my other is full and operates off a laptop that now requires a day to boot up and 4 hours per song. So I sat watching some very good and some not dancing whilst loading up about 5 gb worth of songs and having a bit of a buying frenzy on itunes. Netbook is running Windows 7 and i am not sure yet what all the fuss is about but that took about 2 hours to get all the programmes on it and it now boots in about 20 seconds with 10+hrs battery.

Today left home twice as I let a delivery van go past I recognised the markings so headed back home and yep the vast quantity of reading material and maps has arrived. Off to bike shop to drop off a part I could get but they couldnt, which they will fit and Thor gets picked up again tomorrow. Photos will appear shortly. The spare room now looks like a Wiggle/Field & Trek/Amazon grotto! A trip to see Jimmy at a shop in Taunton has now re-equipped me with a tent and various other items of kit, some I may need and some no doubt will be returned. Thanks also to Pixie, yep that was her name who managed to pack the Primus back into its bag without forcing it in, snagging the zip or generally being manly with it.

When we got home we decided to test the tent. First tried to pitch it in the lounge then realised a little bit more space was required so I did not put a pole through the TV! Kitchen it was and with the creative use of the recycling bin and hall door handle we put it up together in slightly over the 'one person and 6 minutes' claimed in the literature. Practice will make perfect I am certain.

When Matt sang that song by Bruno Mars to close X factor, I thought back to the text I got tonight. It simply said those magic 3 words and good night.

Ma heed was mince

Yesterday was a tough day. The title in colloquial Scottish says it all. There was much happening that required decisions to be made and my head was full of other stuff from the day before and also that I was unable to use the gym at the hotel because someone staying next door to it had complained of the noise. Press ups and sit ups dont compare with the bike.

 It was not until I got to the airport @ about 5pm did I realise, (a) I had got the airport and (b) I was utterly drained. I had been thinking of Izzy all day but that was not the reason I was drained, I just was. I decided to drop a quick text to her so that she would have it in the morning when she woke. Oh silly me, she reads it, then calls me because even with 6000+ miles between us she cares an awful lot about me. The fug lifted as we spoke, not about sharing the frustration of 40 minute walks to ATM's that then did not work, more that for the first time in 5 weeks I heard a glimmer of real happiness in her voice. It was the Georgie that most know coming back. She has arrived at her whole body decision, put her head back in the right place, and now it is all about timing and the courage of her convictions. We talked about many things on that call until I could hear the tiredness of her day spent thinking and being, taking over. Guessed right again, we said good night and I boarded the plane back to Brissol!

There was an amusing moment to yesterday, a call from my great friend who the previous day had been for a 3rd round interview with an HRD. So in thinking about interviews which I have a lot recently, there are many ways to prepare for your candidates. Reading through their CV's, looking at any test results, of the psychological kind, and generally making sure that the logistics of meet & greet and rooms are all done. It is surprising therefore when my friend turns up for the interview and doesn't meet the HRD. Now it must have been (a) an emergency, (b) a call from the higher echelons or (c) a forgotten hair appointment. Ummm these pesky global organisations what would they be if there senior leadership did not have great hair!

I was referred to as 'incredible' yesterday. I have been wondering today is that Mr or Jack. Not been referred to as that before. Today was a day of sorting stuff out and writing a 'transition plan', calls, more calls, and a fair few emails. I picked my lovelies up from their mums, and tea was followed by a trip over to Exmoor to drop Nathan off at his first cub camp. They are sleeping at a village hall. We arrived to what was possibly organised chaos. You can spot the ones who even though they are 9 years old would annoy you within 5 seconds, and they did. There were many soft toys, slippers and multitude of PJ's on display. I find it fascinating to watch the parents with their children and you just know who is going to miss who the most. It is the first time Nathan has been away from home non-family related. I took his best mate Joe with us and it was most amusing to hear the two of them singing along to Lady GaGa in the back of the car whilst Em and I traded looks of wonderment. They have a 6 mile walk tomorrow amongst many other activities but the main topic of conversation was the fact they were getting a cooked breakfast!

I know that Izzy did not manage many miles today as Kris is not well. I hope that they can soon pick back up the pace and get to Saigon where western food, westerners and a lot of shops will hopefully keep that smile alive in her voice.

Gay Butterflies

I have pondered on this since a call this afternoon. I was in a meeting/conference call in sunny but chilly Scotland and my ear was burning. I don't know why but it was and I am a great believer in listening and responding to what your body tells you. The meeting finished and I picked up my phone. 2 text messages from Izzy. Call her pls, so I did.

She had just had a mocha, the best she had had in a while and was in a happy place. I think though more caffeine related than self. We spoke for a while and it was a challenging call. I got asked some random questions, very random but all with a purpose if only I could figure it out. Do I take only the bits of food out of a meal that I like, do I believe in gay couples having children, do I like tomato...I was at this point a little concerned, it is hot out there and hoped that this was not the onset of a meltdown. Nah, I know why, it was because she was checking that she really knew me. She knew the answers already. She made a whole body decision on the way into their current location, knew she was right as she listened to her body and when they reached the dead end, knew also that she still had the ability to trust her body. For Izzy that is major, for most of us mere mortals who have the luxury of carpet that is cleaned, beds that we know who has last slept in them, bathrooms that resemble bathrooms not locker rooms we forget some of the really important things in life, can you trust what your body tells you?

I know Izzy, pretty well, yes she still surprises me with her open and honest approach to life but it is immensely refreshing as those of us who have read her blog know. She knows also that she can tell me and discuss with me anything. I too can be me with her. She made a decision a couple of weeks ago that some of you know. Since then her head has decided that whatever her body tells her, don't trust it. It will get easier, better, funnier, more enjoyable. I know that tonight as I hope she sleeps soundly that our discussion around 'Up' wont become a reality. If you have not seen it, go rent it and watch it. I am referring to the first 17 minutes of silence. I remember taking the children to a Disney preview of it. I still shed a tear or twenty at the opening scenes.

I also know that by asking me questions she was herself checking reality. I knew from an email at 2.32am this morning that she was missing me. I also knew that I would be calling her today. I did not know that I was going to be asked if I had those gay butterflies. For those of you who are into all thing natural history this is bike related, sorry. However whilst she was talking to me she was holding a flower. A flower from a Jasmine tree. How fitting we both thought.

Tomorrow the one other person in her life who can help her when her head is mush will take a call. On the basis of that call, but actually on the basis of her decision 2 weeks ago, a number of things will happen. All of them have consequences but the biggest consequence will be that Izzy will be happy. That is all I have ever wanted for her, as I know many of you have who read this. It was a little spooky though as whilst I was speaking to Izzy, the above mentioned text me to say that 'U never no things could change'. Why is it that mums know everything about everything and can see everything that we cant???

I also spoke to a groggy but then happy girl today. She went under this morning and was home just after lunch. It was trigger finger and something congenital that must have skipped a generation or two. Her finger will never be straight but it will have less of a bend and when she holds an icecream, tea cup or wine glass she wont look the affected one with her pinky stuck out unless she chooses to. She will be in a little pain as the post op local wears off but hopefully will be back to school tomorrow. Nathan asked me questions about sleeping bags tonight, Cub camp on Exmoor, in a village hall, but his first nights away from dad or mum that is not family related. Umm I cant say I am not worried or thinking of him, I will, alot. It does mean that me and Em get a girl/lordy shopping weekend. Well that is my sell of it anyway and to see if she can use the tractor to do the lawn with one hand. I will move the washing line this time though as even with 2 hands she managed to drive into it, bend it to 90 degrees and forget to tell me when I came to use it. If I was an ant, I could have hung my clothes off it as there would have been at least 2mm between it and the ground, but I am not. Umm sleep time me thinks as tomorrow is a busy day...

Choices

I made a choice on Monday evening to send a message which was challenging in its content, it followed a call on Sunday that left me reeling with its implications. How one human being can be with another to the emotional detriment of the other. How one human being can in spite of everything be so selfless. We all make choices and some turn out to be ones that we on reflection should not have made.

I am going to be making some choices myself now and over the next 2 weeks. Mr Impetuous, Mr Strong and Mr Reasonable will now need to help me. It was good to be able to talk though where I am at with one of my greatest friends tonight. It is good to talk. He could hear where I was at not just in my words. That is a pretty powerful skill which I know I have with those I care deeply for. It can sometimes however be a curse. I realise now that I alone, cannot make the difference I once thought I could. There are 3 options at my disposal that I will be considering. Each leads to a different place. Each in itself will impact on others. I now know I know and was fooling myself that I didn't.

'You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result' Gandhi said it right. I quoted this in my blog of 11th September and as I was sitting reflecting today on recent events it came back to nudge me gently but forcibly, and was telling me to take notice.

My thoughts tomorrow will be with my beautiful Emily as she has to undergo a minor operation but will be under a general. I made the choice not to be there. I will live with that choice.

Great Expectations

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24 hours

Oh my, oh my, what a 24 hours. I drove east yesterday to have dinner, not that I could not have cooked myself you understand. 4.5 hours later of which just over 90mins was on the phone to Izzy, I arrived. I know she was jealous of me last night and more probably the food, and I also know that it would have been truly awesome to have her there. Conversation was good, travels, wine, casinos, adventure, holidays, shopping, Trago Mills, wine, wine auctions, a different resort in Cuba and wine (or have I mentioned that already) were all discussed as a rather fine red was shared and digested. I must thank CK on the wine front!

 However the dessert needs it own post but to save sighs of please just tell us ;-), pear and almond cake from Hugh F-W recipe. Ok I am know I probably not going to be as eloquent as some but wow. It was lighter than the air that surrounded it, the blend of almonds, sugar, butter and caramelised pears was divine,as the first spoonful entered my mouth I actually could think of nothing else other than the taste, it was like the ingredients separated and came together on my tongue all at once so you could taste the individual and the collective. I know that my waist line was less than impressed this morning and apologies to Izzy's Grandpa if you got less than you thought you would today but I could not resist a second helping . Small one of course.

Post dinner I drove up to Horsham for a drink at the Black Jug with my bro, my bro's best man Jody and his 'bird mad' girlfriend, Mary. An amusing conversation which was totally unpc followed ( I think they had been there a while) and then a couple of hours natter to catch up on all things new since the last time we saw each other.  I came down this morning to what I thought was an empty house at 7.30 as neither Barney or Brewster stirred in their beds until I put the kettle on. What a dogs life they have, let them out and once morning rituals complete both went back to their separate pits and were soon snoring again.

I was that the 2010 Cycle Show, Earls Court for 11am and the next 3 hours I could have quite happily spent a significant proportion of the £112million won last night, if (a) I had bought a ticket and (b) I had won. Pah! The Pashley stand was awesome as was Specialised with their 3 support Audi A6's acting as the show pieces with more bikes and kit in them than I have witnessed ever. The Patria stand had bikes that should you slip from the saddle the top bar between seat post and handlebars would have increased your voice forever as a man. 2 strands of stainless steel cable replaced what is the norm. Pleased to see Robin from Thorn there and had a quick chat. The retail area was bonkers but Polaris and Sealskinz a still managed to make a dent in my finances, damn them!

I had lunch with two individuals who between them in the last 5 years have ridden just under 60,000 miles. Blimey they were fit. Yes they were indeed! I am a novice to all of this but bless them they knew and the technical speak was kept to a minimum. They reviewed my kit list in advance and I now have a new one, it is like the original but with black and green lines through it and lots of crossings out. I think my 'just in case' and 'be prepared' motto's needed scaling down. They did laugh at some of the gear but also spotted some significant omissions namely blowing air into a presta valve with your mouth is not an option - oops pump needed, and also duck tape or similar because it just about holds anything together including cracked frames, told with an air of authority that said 'been there and done that'. I now have their routes as well for a number of countries and whilst I may have assumed detail I think they must have kept their lucky green and black pens. The notes across them having nothing to do with the wiggly lines that represent routes and more to do with how much it rained, who they don't like anymore and best coffee stops.

It was great of both of them to give up their time, to meet with me. Neither had met each other so they thanked me, wished me well and I was left sitting at the table wondering how soon I could get back on the bike. I did a quick visit to Ortlieb (are you bored yet or still with me) to look at what 2011 will bring in terms of panniers. Basically 2010 at more cost. Phew. I am now sounding like I know what I am doing, that is not good.

Homeward bound I stopped 1hr 45 minutes later, oops, at my favourite bike shop in Bridgwater. Paul, Ryan and Richard were in and I have parted yet again with a not insignificant sum but with a hefty 20% discount. So to tonight whilst I am loading my ipod, doing the laundry and going to ride Treyc (with her new handle bar covering) before my tea, I will keep an eye on the time as I have promised a certain individual that I will look after myself better and get more sleep. Of all the things I want her to focus on it is not my sleep patterns or lack of. She knows that I am thinking of her today as she is hopefully relaxing both body and mind on the beaches of Nha Trang. Then just over 500 miles from Monday morning to Ho Chi Minh City.

Tears, Nigel and Constipation

I will start as all good stories do at the beginning, there will then be some random (quelle surprise!) bits in the middle and an ending at some point.

I have found that I do have an impact on people that is positive in the main. Some may disagree and say I am scary as I know I have had this feedback since the first time I had feedback. I think it is about focus and have written about this before. However positively I am gaining in skills in listening to hear both what is said and unsaid, a skill useful to the telephone, even with a 5-10 second airtime delay, as well as face to face. I sat yesterday morning and listened to someone who felt that they had messed up. In the grand scheme of life enhancing activities they know they haven't but when ambition and passion combine some times the impact defeats the intention. I had tears in that conversation, not mine, this time. I know that today will be a great day for this person as they make a cross UK journey to pick up yet another new fur ball.

Nigel

Talking of fur balls but of a different variety, last night I went for dinner with my new friends Nick and Anneka and there fine pet Nigel. He is awesome, I have never been in the presence of such an intelligent, cunning, this is my house/sofa/table/food/drink...rabbit. Yup I was actually visiting his house and he was very entertaining as he worked his way round the coffee table on his back legs trying to reach an unwrapped biscuit which once he got, he ran (hopped) off! It was a lovely evening of me playing up to my lordy self with Annie and then bike man talk with Nick. Dinner from Nick was awesome and finally introduced to the 'In Betweeners'. To be regaled of yet another tale of miswording. Just before their first month of married bliss was up Nick said that they could still get the marriage unnulled, most definitely in a joke inspired moment. The response from Annie was I don't think so as we have constipated our marriage. Um consummated indeed!

This morning has been packed and the rest of the day will be til I get home tomorrow night. I took my little punto back this morning as I finally have my car looking rather splendid. Taxi back home and an awesome conversation about Cuba. I have been to look at Emily's potential next big school which has a distinct focus on being awesome in the CVA scores. Something to do with value-added which is higher than the last school we went to see. Met their resident dancer, and the arts teacher, OMG I felt both old and very very ugly (but not for long).The deputy head that showed us round was huge and I went back to 'please sir' in an instant. Chairs were bigger though or as I talked with 'stalker' this morning is my bum getting smaller in my new svelte self? Used to have to have a cheek on each chair. No longer, hurrah. And my watch strap has gone in a notch! Wuh Ho!

Oops sorry self indulgence not a good look or read I imagine. Later today I travel east to have dinner, which will I am looking forward too and have been for a couple of weeks. Then to my Bro's and his wife before a train/drive to the Cycle Show at Earls Court tomorrow to meet, for lunch, two very inspiring, long distance, round the world all ways people.

Different to the two people I saw this morning. I categorically oppose violence towards or in the presence of others. I witnessed a road rage incident today that shook me to my core. It was as unnecessary as it was unprovoked. I am pleased that I stopped, called the police and saw the individual arrested. I will be a witness to this as I know that is right thing to do. Any volatility that is physical is dangerous and unnerving. The apologies that follow are as hollow as they are fake. If you didn't mean it, why do it. I would not want to be in the presence of anyone whom I knew to have had the tendency, unpredictability, past or present to do this. Ever.

Protective is different and I have done this. I have stepped in front to shield or gently moved to the right or left to allow passage of those I whom I am unsure of their intentions. I am however far more careful with my language now than I have ever been. Even in jest the language of the physical needs to be removed. You never know what impact it may have, or memories that it will stir.

Memories were stirred last night as I drove along 'portaloo road' and again this morning as I walked up the stairs of the school with the flat wide wooden bannister's, the smell of chemically cleaned toilets or the foot marks of 1000's of students across the hard surface floors of the corridors. The Head asked for feedback on the visit and I will, not just on what I saw but also the continual and annoying reference to 'kids' by both him and the deputy head. Ummm I think that will last reference will make someone smile ;-)

Being true

Today and the remaining 22 minutes of it, I have had but one stream of conscious thought. I have been sending my love across 6500miles of ether to an individual who to me is amazing, beautiful and has today published a post on her blog that should have made anyone who read pause for a minute to reflect on life and its twists and turns.

She is being true to herself in expressing her thoughts and feelings on an event that has shaped who she is today. I call it an event as I have no other word right now. I can only imagine what it must have been like and is still today. She has shared much with me including this day and much of went on and after it 6 years ago.

I am so proud of what she has achieved so far in memory of Dak. I know from what has been shared with me that he will be with Izzy now, watching over her and helping her through this day.

I better had or I will be for it

What a day. Overall awesome which is what I will have in my weary head when it eventually hits the pillow. From my random texting which landed mid breakfast elsewhere in the world and caused a smile, to work with a group of folk who just needed a little bit of the grey matter fired up, in the midst of this working with the team on turning around doc after doc to support a culture changing communication, and then having a person on hand to do the 'sorting out the little stuff that winds me up' made for a day that felt good to be alive and great to be where I was. Present, in the room and being me.

I have been given very strong direction to include the paragraph I alluded to in my last post this morning. To the point I almost, but not quite got a comment about it. wow that would have been awesome, but not to be this time. So I will include it below. It made me smile alot when I thought of what could be...

But before I do that I want to recommend another book. It is a book I was lent by SP a couple of Sundays ago and whilst it is not a long read, I have re-read it three times now. 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho. It is an impactful read. It has impacted in a way that the lender knew it would. So thank you and if my small following of individuals out there, especially the one who currently resides on the opposite side of the world to Izzy and is beginning to believe in the wrong sort of karma need just to have a look, dip or splash about in something with only 172 pages and font size 11, then get down to a bookstore/shop and buy it. You will want to buy it because you will want to read it again in a years time and library fines are going up these days!

Ah yes where was I...the other book I am reading, well here is the next paragraph
'if you are in a committed relationship with someone and you both want to take on the big trip, congratulate yourselves on your good fortune in finding someone with the same aspirations. These rides are often some of the happiest and most successful, as many blogs will attest. There's more need for compromise than the temporary arrangements discussed above (see earlier post I did), but also more support when the going gets rough. The couples that ride together most happily tend to be fairly equal in their physical abilities, but over the course of many months most couples find their endurance abilities converge. As for mental strength and determination well, its a chance for men to catch up, but they don't always get there!'

So tonight I made 2 people smile and laugh, one of them called me a loon, mad and a freak but I am sure as terms of endearment. She had been thinking of me again, alot. The other thanked me for, well, just being me and putting the hopes, feelings and cares of others first as I am finding that I do, enjoy doing and want to continue to do for the rest of my time in this world.

Tomorrow is a big day for Izzy. You will need to read her post she will load or just look at her charity page and read the dates. If you can in some small way donate, then it would make her day and this experience even more awesome.

Something to think on

I woke up and sat bolt upright at 03.20 this morning. I have no reason as to why but was bizarrely drawn to logging on to the interweb and sending a text. I then went back to bed for an hour or so. I have to say that this is not a regular occurrence and have no idea as to why this happened.

I am reading a book about adventure cycle touring at the moment and page 11 focuses on people you might meet and travel with...'friendships with origins back home don't always survive the transition to the road where old rules or loyalties are no longer relevant. Travel gives you the freedom to find your own style as a process of self-discovery, and that is often easiest done in the company of strangers where you can re-invent yourself as the miles unroll. If you are riding with a friend from home, you need to talk about all these possibilities and agree that expectations may change on a long ride, and have to be accommodated.' Stephen Lord and his fellow contributors to this text have done this before. They know. I wont translate into blog the paragraph that follows as that is where my true self is at. It makes for an interesting read my friends. I look forward to the day when I can realise my dream of doing something similar but different.

Mr Strong

Today Mr Strong has floundered a little. What he knows is that emotional rollercoaster that is life is shared. What he doesnt know is what the outcome will be. Who does really?

What I know is that I spoke to a person today who said that the 30 minutes he had with me was better than the entire previous 2 weeks of conversations with others. That is pretty awesome feedback.

What I know is that a person in one of my teams benefited from me being present in the room talking to them about what could be and instilling much needed confidence in them that life will get better than it is right now as actions lead to consequences. Inaction or waiting for someone else to carry their load will only delay the emergence of them feeling great.

What I know is that another person in one of my teams benefited greatly from the madness that was today. The focus required to produce in very short order documents that will shape the future of others. Juggling multiple actions that will all lead to them being in a better place and let them and I escape the reality of what maybe waiting for us when the office doors close.

What I know is that a senior stakeholder told me I had won a prize. This time a coconut for the delivery of what one of my teams turned around in very short order. And another senior stakeholder wants my support in turning a whole business area around with approximately 1400 people.

So I know when I write this that some may say what an arrogant little tosser. But do you know. I dont really mind. I know that in some small and sometimes significant way I can make a difference. But it was a tough day today.

No one really knows what actions will arise from feelings and emotions. On Sunday I had hoped with all my soul that I had in some way made a difference by listening and understanding. There was laughter in her voice as she described a picture she had bought and where she would hang it, conversation topics for me at a dinner this Friday, and the challenge and cost of maintaining a beauty regime. However the unpredictable reactions of others, well maybe predictable by some, have challenged her emotionally to a greater extent than many had thought. I know how much she has missed laughing. How much she wishes that each day she would be able to wake up and it would be a great day, knowing where she is going and at least having some control over her next 24hrs. Those that know Izzy, know that this is not about control for the sake of control, it is just about having a destination in mind.

It was always going to be a week where emotions for her would run deep. Losing her closest friend on 7th October 6 years ago means that this Thursday, for her will be a day of sadness tinged with hope. Hope that Dak is smiling down on her as he has done every day. That the love and strength of those who are her friends, or have through her connection with me extended their friendship across thousands of miles to her will carry her through this day and onto the next.

I have sent more than my daily text today. I did this so that she knew I was thinking of her more today (if that is actually possible) and hope that she read and listened to them. They were sent from her rock, that is me.
I know I was never part of her plan. I know that being part of her plan now has directly impacted on her experience. The positive is that she knows she can share everything and anything with me. The challenge is sharing everything and anything with me as it is not what she has done before. The challenge for me is to care and love her from a distance and not impact on her plans by doing what my heart has continually told me to do. I want her to be happy every day. I want her to call me with laughter in her voice and I hope that in the next few days this can be achieved.

Treyc, Harry & the Hungry Caterpillar

I have thought long and hard about writing anything tonight but know that if a certain person reads this they will want and need to smile. For those of you whom I have shared yesterday with, it got worse today. For those of you who said they would start chanting. You need to right now. For those of you who pray for Izzy to ride safe, stop reading and do it now.

I was going to blather on about x factor but it seems the media may have beaten me to it. I was going to bleat about strictly but cant because if Emily reads this she will not be best pleased so i will keep it sane and sensible....

Treyc

I will start with Treyc. Yes the name of one of the misguided on x factor and that is not a mis-spelling but my mother did say that maybe her mum and dad had texted the birth registrar and got their fingers a bit mixed up. Who knows but I have stolen her name for my turbo trainer which got an airing tonight. The Peugot racing bike is a little old, but with cool tyres and works perfectly. She gave me a tough work out for 30 mins set on an 8% incline but difference for me, no tourist buses or 40c and only hauling my ass not a 25kg trailer!

Harry

Harry on the other hand is the name I gave to a poor and lonely hula hoop which appeared on the dining table last night. Nathan went to eat/crush it and I said dont as it was my friend. I am losing it, but I wont lose him and he came to work with me today - Harry not Nathan - that would have been wrong. I will be leaving him at home for the next couple of days whilst I am in Scotland, as I know he doesnt like flying...

Umm and then the Hungry Caterpillar came out to play today. Well actually 2 of them. I was back in recruitment mode with stalker and as usual we did have a giggle. The first so distracted me with the 2 caterpillars on her forehead that danced independantly of her face, or so it seemed. I think they would have eaten a whole Iceberg or maybe one each? I have never been so patronised in an interview and uncanny as it is both Stalker and I had the same thought that she reminded of us someone who fortunately has now left the building. So that would be no then.

No.2 how lively and engaging, shame they wanted to test out some of their ideas and then leave to set up on their own. Umm me thinks sharing everything must have leaked into interview scenarios (this truth serum is powerful). Then came a surprise. My instant reaction to facial hair is one of mistrust, be it tash or beardy although I know people with both and am cool with it, if either designed or well maintained. Scraggy or wispy or bum-fluffy is not a good look ever. Especially coupled with hair that needed a trim. I think maybe the Ralph Lauren glasess, Paul smith shoes, shirt and suit plus a seriously cool Fossil watch may have one me over/ distracted me ( I am such a lord!). Oh and the level headedness, humility and the ability to answer a question with an answer was a first for me today. So through to second you go and all the best.

I also need to thank my dad, the lasagne I have demolished tonight shows that practice doth make perfect. It is a relatively new and slightly foreign adventure for him but I was truly in awe of the taste tonight. No I am not taking the pxxx. I have an abiding memory of unstrained over cooked spinach from when I was about 10 years old which still haunts me so i am pleased that the last 20 odd years have seen a significant improvement. Mum if you read this, dress it up a bit for me;-)

Izzy if you are reading this you know that a lot of people are here for you whatever path you decide to take and we will support and love you always.

Dedicated to Malcolm in the Middle and Charlie the Cockroach

Sometimes it can be this way. It is meant to be.It is not a test. It is what it is,right?



Some of you may believe that my recent roast beef dinner with carrots and potatoes from my garden followed by blackcurrant and apple crumble with custard (fruit also from garden) has afflicted me in some way. Others that I love both here and 6500miles away know that I am thinking of them right now.

Sometimes you need to be so authentic that you cast all thoughts of self aside and be as true as you can be. I have done that this afternoon when the challenges faced so many miles away were beyond the physical. I know as much needed sleep is taken, minds will be more restful than they were early this evening as thoughts and emotions have been shared, listened to and listened to some more. It is a rocky road when the path that is trod is the same but the true meaning of the journey so different. There is however another journey that is a shared one, it is becoming familiar to both, it is unfamiliar to others and parts of this journey continue to surprise and delight. All I can be I will be. All that I am, I am for me and it is amazing to share this with another who is so complete.

What we have is what we have, many will question, wonder and judge based on their history, experiences or what they perceive exists. It is an energy better spent by them on something more useful that will build and shape their lives. Our lives will be what they are.

Charlie, and or one of his friends unless he has hitched a ride, appears when we speak. The initial eeks, screeches and high pitched shudders from Hanoi, transported over the airwaves, are diminishing. I think naming them helps and I am sure by the end of her experience there will be a soft spot for charlie and his many varied, and some afflicted, cousins, nephews and nieces.

This week is going to be a tough week, the next 4-5 days may be well be without contact and then comes the 7th October. This is one of the reasons that Izzy is undertaking what she is. This will explain more. Think of her on this day, say a word or prayer whatever is your want but just stop for a minute on Thursday and thank whomever is your creator for the life you lead.

Giselle rides again

Another spectacular morning of glorious rain and wind. Headwind gusted at 38mph, Giselle cruised through water covered roads at a max of 29.4mph and 9.5 miles later I was home feeling like I had ridden 30 miles. 5 herons, 15 egrets and a slightly kamikazee squirrel completed a great wake up call this morning. Oh to invoicing, a roast dinner, connecting a psp to the interweb, loading Sims 2 onto the childrens laptop, kit buying and a day of relaxation.

Truth Serum and memories

Oooo, when I woke up this morning I realised that my brain was lying in the back of my head all curled up like a little doormouse. Well maybe a rhino actually as it definitely made my head feel heavy and balance was an issue. Damn that duck pizza I had what must they have laced it with?

Well I have to say that the last 36 hours have had so many laugh out loud moments this may or may not be the first in a series of posts. So let me begin. Yesterday started with my force field deflecting an engine part of a spinning BMW away from my the centre of my windscreen at about 70mph and negotiating round the path of the Merc who caught the full force and went backwards across the M5, flying gravel and other debris in the most torrential rain. I did stop, many didnt. Both drivers shaken but ok and called the traffic guys who were there within about 10 mins. So I resumed my journey which ended 4.5 hours later due to the closure of the M4 and a detour of my own devising, still in Punto sans sat nav, which saw me go north towards Letchlade then across to Wrantage and along the side of the Thames to Reading. Most pleasant although slightly frustrating and again many many calls done although I did have an hour of just being me. No music on and just pottering through villages remembering that this was a route I took about 6 weeks ago with Izzy.

I spent the afternoon existing, probably not what I am necessarily known for doing but had a few moments of laughter, as people began to get ready for the leaving do of one of my coachees and all round good guy who is off to pastures new. I was in a meeting in the afternoon when I had a text from a mighty fine individual. I excused myself, called and we spent a wee while on the phone discussing the consumption of an awesome meal amongst many other things. All of which, apart from the meal - described so much better here - I apparently need to take both the blame and full responsibility for! Really, I guess if it helps in some small way to alleviate the spinning of the mind whilst the spinning of pedals takes precedence then that shall be my role.

So to the leaving do. Ummm. Drinks in what seems to be one the preferred watering holes for leavers, some good conversations with people that I enjoy speaking to. Also a number of random conversations where other individuals seemed to be queuing up with relish to offer me advice on what Izzy might be thinking, doing or need to do, what I need to prepare myself for, age differences and then the fact that they knew exactly what she would be thinking and feeling towards me. Wow I am so pleased that my hand kept being filled with either London Pride or vodka & orange. It meant that I could take copious sips instead of letting forth the torrent of thoughts running through my mind. People eh!

And now to the 'truth serum' which I am alleged to carry with me so when people talk to me they feel the overwhelming desire to tell me many things, most of which is caveated with ' i have never spoken/told/opened up/shared/revealed this before'. Now I truly love this level of connectedness when it is between people I know and/or love deeply, respect greatly and/or where I have done this myself with them, recently alot. Or as a 'people person' that I am in my professional career (all of you who have just snorted, guffawed or laughed - shame on you) it is a useful, insightful and on occasion, powerful tool to have in ones kit bag. 

However there is a time when I need a night off. Last night was supposed to have been it, but within 3 minutes of sitting down, in the same restaurant that Izzy and I went to for our first 'date/meeting/discussion/ assessment centre report review' dinner, I watched and listened whilst tears trickled down the face of the person seated to my left. Not related to anything of an onion variety, more an outpouring of heartfelt angst and desires (and not towards me). Now by this time I was a little tipsy la la it must be said and I cant quite remember the details so I hope that I didnt say we could talk about this again. This, of course, was not the end to the evening and a number of folks, different to the ones offering advice earlier, decided to approach to discuss various things going on in their lives. Which is ok normally believe me as I thorughly enjoy supporting others, but I felt like I was becoming a beacon of light for the disenchanted, confused and sad. Harsh of me probably but I just wanted a night to let my hair down (metaphorically speaking). It did remind me last night of a verse from 'Sit Down by James'

Those who feel the breath of sadness
Sit down next to me
Those who find they`re touched by madness
Sit down next to me
Those who find themselves ridiculous
Sit down next to me

I now know if I want a night off - table for one please....

The saviour of the evening was CK and yes we should have probably not stopped at the vodka bar, consumed apple and peach shots or had a del boy and a half (yep I did again Simon ;-)) on the way to the station, but I do now have a new neck chord for my work pass with ' I love Vodka' on it. The train ride back to somewhere was followed by an amusing discussion of chavtastic places to live in Hampshire with the taxi driver who talked knowledgeably of burnt out Cortinas and wondered if he needed to cruise up to traffic lights versus stopping to ensure when we pulled away it would be on 4 wheels.

Then I finally met a guy who has been described to me over the past 2 years, I have helped through CK in offering some advice on business start ups, and who I now understand a little more through the medium of an exceptionally delightful Bordeaux. CK and her partner are an awesome couple and it was an absolute pleasure to talk cooking, Friends, and the merits or not of prawn cocktail sauces all in a manly way of course, whilst watching and listening to rodrigo y gabriela and some of the best bits of King Kong til gone 2am this morning. It was as random as it was relaxing and I thank you both for your hospitality, thinking of me and extending friendships to Izzy.


It was so cold, snow looked like it could be on the way!


I again realised the power of the written word yesterday. I know that when I write this blog, emails, facebook updates, letters (well word doc's as attachments) what I say in them can be read many ways. I know that some do read my blog because they know me, thought they knew me, wondered what I have been up to, want to stalk me, love me or just generally interested in the randomness of my mind. I know that for some they find comfort in what I write as it is just about an ordinary guy sharing what goes on in his extraordinary world. Living in the present makes it extraordinary not anything else. What I notice, comment on and write about is shaped into a headline and then I just let words pour forth. Sometimes I know probably too many. Approximtaley 6450 straight line miles away is a person who reads my ramblings and this prompts thoughts in her mind. The beauty of what we have is we can share them no matter what they are. I now know others experience the same or have, it is not something either of us are familiar with, however would not ever want to be without. Alongside this is the laughter that pours forth so contentedly when we speak. We laughed alot yesterday and that is how it is meant to be.

Imagine also what must have gone through the mind of my 9yr old young man who went to school on Friday with his dad, was picked up by his Grandma and Pops and walked back into the latest revision of his, i have to say, very cool bedroom. Thank you Jons, it is awesome and I know also that your kitchens, bathrooms and landscaping are as much sought after as your creative interior design skills and ability to knock up delicious 'specials' for dinner.



One very proud man in a very cool bedroom