I should absolutely and categorically not be doing this right now but I need to sit and the keyboard spoke. I have spent today getting more frazzled, excited and feeling alot better than I have for the rest of the week. I am not sure if Beechams or adrenaline is the cause.
I have now unboxed or unpacked so much today and then decided to weigh the bag of refuse. One trip and 3 kg's of refuse. Appalling and no I don't need a carrier thank you. Umm, well I have packed twice now and know that I need to do the same again tomorrow morning. Another t-shirt, pair of shorts and just in case 3rd spare mossie repellent will all have to be cast aside to ensure that my excess is not double my air fare. At the end of the day however I am not overly fussed, it is not about the cost or investment. It is about an experience of a life time.
I have blinded myself by looking into the lens of my new e-petzels, I have changed into so many different outfits that make me look like an extra from a safari movie, I have worn sandals on a day when it should have been Uggs, I have danced round the room to Bruno Mars, I have driven to 5 different delivery depots in the southwest, I have wandered sadly round the nearest town to me seeing the real effect of the recession (4 of the shops I knew were there 3 months ago and I needed today, have gone). I have sworn repeatedly at a pair of shorts that have a busted popper, I have held my kryponite D bar and worked out for the same weight I could have so many other things I really want to take. I have eaten an Indian takeaway, my first in 5 months. I have filled the bird feeders and watched a noisy family of 14 long tailed tits demolish their dinner.
I have spoken twice to Izzy today, the first was a little bit of a download. 7 days to go and needs her resilience bolstered again. Expressing opinions comes under the right of free speech, I hope the Chinese are ready. The second call was a memory test, we went right back to the Spring of 2009 and meeting for the first time. Was there something there right then, we think so but neither of us recognised what it is or may have come to be. I know that breakfast on cornflakes, milk, banana and coffee is something that tomorrow holds and is being looked forward to. We have spoken about how we would like it to be. We have discussed much about how it needs to be and whether or not I will look out to the arrival hall and see her there or be pounced on in a sneaky way just to scare the pants off me.
I know, for me, the judging has begun already. Yes I am a father and will still be. Yes I will miss my children as they will absolutely miss me. Yes I am going to go on this trip and be in contact as often as is practicable with them. Yes I have given up the offer of an incredibly well paid job for a company that I love working for. And they have offered it to another. Yes I will come back in the new year and have to start hunting for a job again. Yes I can say for once in my life, I have no idea what the future will hold. This is about living in the present. I am letting people down, I know I have disappointed others, I also know that others have said how pleased they are for me, not just that they have worked with me, but they see me as a true friend beyond the norms of the consulting world in which I inhabit. Many of my relationships within the various clients I work for have got stronger and will continue to be so. That is my wish and I know for many it is theirs too.
We spend, as I have over the last 20 years, a vastly disproportionate amount of time working to achieve what society says that we should. There will be many who disagree but think about the last time you took a holiday. Did you work right up to the wire, did you write a list that you had absolutely no chance of completing before the end of the day. Did you fret that night about things that your mind was telling you, you should have done? Even worse did you start to think about work 2 or 3 days before your return. Or did you do your normal day and head off knowing that all would be well and the world of work would not stop just because you had taken the decision to have some sun.
This decision for me is enormous, far reaching and life changing. It is however one of hundreds of decisions each and every one of us makes every day. This one just seems out of scale because of what many think should happen. I spent the last 6 weeks preparing for something that might never have happened. But I wanted and needed to do something positive. I also found that I so needed to have others around me who were there for me, that was so unfamiliar and still is. Waiting was never an option. Sitting back and letting events unfold was tough but so worthwhile. I have not pushed for what is to be. I have just been me. That I can be me and will continue to be so but as part of a team is what makes the next few months so exciting. To be thought of and cared for and reciprocate this without ever thinking that I am owed or need a return. To be able to say what it is that is in your head without fear of rebuke or sarcastic challenge. To be able to plan jointly and know where it is you intend to be and what happens if the intended destination is not reached. To be able to get up early, pack and be on the road so that the midday sun is more bearable and the journeys end nearer to lunch than dinner. To be able to wander around the room as you were meant to be and get a hug when you want one or just because you can. These are the simple things that we take for granted. These are the important things that we never should.
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