Extraordinary day. I woke after 4 hours sleep having decided late afternoon yesterday to drive to see a friend in need, fit in a couple of long conference calls and then drive home. 368 miles in an evening, what is happening to me. Random acts of kindness are happening to me and then I go and reciprocate. Life eh, what a funny old world.
So today has been a different day. No run this morning but have felt not quite on form today as I do when I do run. Today has been a busy one. Client meeting this morning before board level pitch next week which I am looking forward to. Then home to the office to spend around 4 hours on a conference call with an awesome individual who I cannot believe has had such an impact on both by professional and personal world. Off then to pick up my munchkins from school except that now they are in Year 4 and 6 they walk home! woah how did that happen, where did the time go. Then food shopping and a number of calls en route and in the store. Changed my shopping patterns now but how come with more veg brings more cash flow dilemmas?
Amusing conversation about how long the days are now at school in comparison to last year! This was between my 8yr old son and 10 yr old daughter. absolutely hilarious when told by my son and best mate has anchored themselves to my daughters legs and sat on her feet for the whole of morning play because they could!
Ooops ok, enough day stuff,. Where is the story dude... so moving on from where I got to yesterday. The pain of physical separation does ease but now i know that it is akin to grieving then it is more manageable, still hurts like hell and is most unpleasant but i know it will ease. This is the shock to system bit. Have feelings for each other changed, what in 72 hours are you serious? it is amazing what the mind can do to you if you let the past dictate your future and fail to live in the present.
I have had 4 wobbles today which is better than the 4 non-wobbly times I counted yesterday and boy does it creep up on you...it is so stealthy you wont know it is coming until whoosh it hits you between the eyes, there is a gulp and off I go again! I want to be able to learn to spot them coming and duck but now know it is part of lifes enrichment programme (one I did not know I signed up for but apparently you get life membership at birth with no renewal fees)
I read her blog update tonight, written again with the passion, insight and maturity of someone who can appeal to all her followers. You cant help but be caught up in what is going on so many thousands of miles away. Awesome.
So how did we come to arrive at this place that neither of us remotely imagined...or did we...
About 15 months ago I walked into the office and sat down at my desk. Sitting next to me was a new person. I knew that because whilst I did not work in that office 5 days a week I had not seen her in the 6 months I had previosuly been there. She was stunning, not just the way she looked, but the way she held herself and the way she turned and introduced herself to me with all the confidence of a seasoned employee not someone just starting out on their career. She explained that she had asked to do unpaid work experience to build her knowledge of HR and that the company had decided to give her the opportunity. How many people out there can remember a time when they had offered themselves to work for free? Really are you sure?
I really enjoyed talking to her and when it got round a couple of weeks later to talking about CV's offered to help. I think this was the start. At least that is what she tells me anyhow. Now I know I look good in suit (tee hee), actually I can and do. or was it the authority with which I carried myself or the percieved level of seniority in the organisation or just that I am a charmer with the ladies. Do you we still dont know - there was just something there that made us want to be in each others company, talking to each other and remarkably after 12+3 months we have not had a disagreement, row or even annoyed each other. Well that last bit is a bit of a fib. I have annoyed her twice and on both occasions made her laugh within seconds, so not really annoyed more like anno...
This was powerful stuff for both of us. It was unfamiliar in the extreme, and I mean extreme. I am sure all of us have been in relationships where there was more give than take or vice versa. It is rare that the scales are truly balanced. It is rare that someone really gets you to the extent where you may for the first time feel, think and act as if it is ok because (a) it is and (b) the level of trust between you is total.
This was also spooky stuff. The sort of stuff where you know you find you love doing something but feel that you must therefore be missing something. Is the princess really a frog? Well if you know that feeling then you probably get where and why our heads, hearts and guts where a little out of alignment.
Over the next 12 months there was a considerable amount of time when we did not speak. I know this because I was trying so hard not to fall for her. We had lunch together and it felt like I was talking to someone I had known for a life time. we just got each other and connected. There was one incident when i know she did not mean to say what she did but sometimes feelings and emotions get in the way of engaging brain and mouth. When I look back on what she said she was absolutley right but it was a statement that would have been really ok had we been in a relationship or had we spent a little more than a few hours in the professional environment together. I do so forgive you for saying what you said Izzy. Really I do and wont mention it again, promise.
She is such a wonderful human being. She is so full of life, compassion, passion, adventure, sense of what is right and what is wrong, she gets me like no other ever has and she approaches life with a level of grit and determination that has very little comparison. I wrote recently to some local papers to help with her fundraising and said 'If we were in the early 1900’s then Amelia Earhart would be one of her best friends'.
We really were not meant to happen. There were plans that had been discussed and agreed about what the future might hold for her and then we just did. We have connected to a level that when I was talking to my great friend SP tonight the words fallen for and love are just a natural part of the conversation.
When I think of her I smile for I know wherever in the world she is, whatever challenges she faces she can look up to the sky and think of me I will make her smile. We have that ability to do so. We are missing each other incredibly. We both have our own ways of coping. Mine used to be to shut down and just pile on the distractions but this time is so very different. I know that Izzy will compartmentalise what she feels for me so that she can make the most of her experiences to follow in the coming months. But I also know that when she needs a smile or just to feel like someone is thinking of her she can open up that compartment and I will be there for her. Always.
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