The very first day

Hi, my name is James Mitchell and this is the first blog I have ever created so bear with me whilst I learn what is and isnt possible. The reason for this blog is simple. For the next 4 months I am going to seeing life though a different lens and it maybe that after this time it continues to be so. This is my story and how in the space of 3 months it has changed beyond any measure that my past could make sense of. This is about a life change to work out how to live in the present, be aware of the past, and not to create a future through listening to what the past tells me (and maybe us all) about what may or may not happen.

I have been told that I am driven, motivated and not bad at what I do but also that on occasion I can come across as pretty austere, nay arrogant and make others feel a little intimated by me. I admit as I will frequently today that sometimes these things I do are deliberate but mostly it is because my head is so full of stuff that I focus on what needs to be done next and people, feelings and emotions are not always the first consideration.

So I am going to start by telling you what has happened to me over the last 12 + 3 months which is how I need to refer to it to make sense of the feelings and emotions which have not before emerged in such a powerful way. There are a number of people I will refer to by name but only by their first name so they can protect their identity. However they will, if they read this, know who they are and why I feel, yes feel, compelled to start this blog. I will be running a paper diary of daily reflections, actions, incidents along side this and will update my blog as often as I possibly can so those who do decide to follow have something to read. It may not be earth shattering factual information or factual at all but this is the start of doing something different.

The last 24 hours have shown me a new side when I look in the mirror and a new side to my view of humanity. There are 3 people out there who have without reserve or judgement given thier ears and their questions to help me through the pain of resistance.
When you want something to be but for whatever reason it cant it provokes emotions. Mine is a crushing wave of emotion that ends up with and I quote 'a corned beef face'. For those of you who have had the experience of ugly crying you will be able to relate to this. For those of you who haven't let your mind work wonders.

This is a story of true love. Love that has happened when neither was looking for it and both knowing that physically the distance between us would grow wider as of the 8th September 2010. I know I am in her heart and head. She tells me often I am in her head, asks me to leave but not really. The level of connectedness we have has so entwined our thinking, hearts and when we are together that it has scared us with its unfamiliarity.

Unfamiliar is a word, that as long as I spell it right, will be used alot. We both use it to describe how we feel, how we think and what we do with each other. The pleasure we give to each other transcends the physical and I would describe it as spiritual. I dont know why and I now know I dont need to know why. It is as it is.

So I will begin my story from the beginning, it will meander because that is how life is. I will write things here that will just fall out of my head. This is an exercise for me to begin doing something different.

This morning I did not make my flight to work. I got as far as checking in, going through secuirty and into duty free and then a feeling unlike any other came over me and I cried. It was ugly crying as well. The sort of crying that when you see it you move away and it only takes one person to come up to them to ask if everything is ok and the reaction can be many and varied.

I would like to thank the lady who works at the airport for the hug she gave me spontaneously and the care she showed while helping me to make sense of what had happened and making sure I could get home ok. I dont know her name as my eyes had ceased to have clarity of vision as yet another waterfall burst forth.

I think I now understand that to try and be as I was is foolish though it is safe. I need to learn to live in the present however vunerable that makes me feel. Things will be great as you know.

I got home and decided I did not want to be there so got changed into my running gear (another post to follow on this) and set off. Izzy I did as you have coached me to but as I did not know for how long I would be able to run, I cut the warm up times down and run proportionally;-)

I was out in the fresh air, the sun was shining and my feet remarkably were enjoying themselves. I set off and did a different route to last Sunday and thought I saw a cow. I live in the country so these beasts are a common site but not ahead of me in the road grazing the verge. Umm, now those who know me also know that large animals and me dont mix altogether that well but it was not where it should be and being the type of road it is it might not have met another milking day if I had run past.

Cow husbandry? Is this what it is called oh yeah - cow herding might be better. Picture the scene if you will. Amatuer runner, in shorts, long sleeved Ron Hill top and high vis vest. Cow looking at me with a sense of anticipation. Run to back of cow away from leg kicking distance and make like a random and over excited scarecrow - cow moves...wrong direction. Cows mates in field other side of hegde begin to get excited, well they moo'ed alot - assumption of excitement on my part. Then cow decides that the other direction is better and more towards the gate. ooops goes past gate. Car travelling down the road slows, looks at me, passenger waves and moves off - what will their conversation have consisted of. 'umm bit early for the village idiot to be out' or ' wow some farmers have really embraced exercise regimes' or more likely ' what was that loon doing with a cow'

Anyway - cow now decides to move into gateway. All of its mates now pushing on gate i need to open. frantic and hyper scarecrow with hand clapping and whooping moves cows, gate open, go cow go I shout...and it does. Phew as farmer screeches to halt next to gate.....

I have no idea what went through farmers head when he saw me. He did laugh and was surprised that I managed to get her to do what I did. She is the escape artist of the herd I was informed. We spoke for a while about cows - I know more than I did now but not to bore you with. As I turned to continue my run he asked where I was headed. I said I was not sure but would be truning round whereever I was in 15 minutes. Did I like running on road or grass. with my knees grass I replied. I now, or will be the end of the day have a track cut in the 5 acres of grass field next to the road by way of a thank you.

So in the space of 24 hours I now have 5 people who have changed my view of the world.